1. Working out; what else gets you breathing hard, soaking wet, exhausted and climactic, but lasts a helluva lot longer than ten minutes? Not to mention, the only things you have to worry about getting hard are your muscles.2. Beer; after a few brewskies - UNLIKE before/during/after the nasty - not only are you more than comfortable exposing parts of your body no one should ever see (to the general public no less), but nothing else sticky and bitter tastes quite as good.
3. Food porn; in contrast to regular porn, food porn doesn't leave you with that pathetic feeling of shame and anguish once you've finished. Instead, more often than not you'll become productive and do something useful with your hands for once.
4. Money; who says money can't buy happiness? If you get money and sex simultaneously, than sweetie, you've got it made.
5. Shoes; normal chicks look a lot better in heels than when naked. Also, you can go through a wide variety of styles without being called a whore. If you're male - be honest. You probably take a lot better care of your kicks than your hygiene.
6. Accents; this doesn't apply to those of you with accents other than the vanilla wafer North American West Coast versions. Listening to a hoarse, jostling Scottish bark; epileptic Irish hiccup; incomprehensible country English whine; insinuating, romantic Spanish whisper; or violent drunken Russian slur, immediately transforms the sorest of ugly losers into gods. Who can say the same after a romp with them in the sack?
7. Bacon; screw this "chocolate cures everything" bullshit. Not only do you get sick after your first five bars of extra-large Hersheys, but you break out in pimples and have compromising bowel movements. Bacon, on the other hand, not only provides you with nutritional content such as protein and fucktons of fatty goodness, but you WILL sleep sounder at night, dreaming of pigs shipped off to slaughter and the sound of sizzling and crackling meat on the griddle. The only thing possibly better than a pound of crispy bacon with a side of ketchup? Maple bacon donuts. Aww yeah.
8. South Park; own up to the facts - bitches and bros can't make you laugh, cry, swear and fart all at once quite like an episode of South Park. If it's the lack of naked bodies provided on a TV show that are making you crave a good hump, just watch "Major Boobage." Bouncy cartoon titties are way underestimated, friend.
9. Dogs; admit it. The affection from your significant other, fuck buddy, spouse, or random pick of the club that night have nothing on the company and love a dog has to offer. You could be with someone for years while putting off full emotional commitment - no one needs to know. You can lie, cheat, manipulate. Dogs don't do that. All the drama that comes with sex - regardless of what you may believe - is more often than not NOT worth the itching (sometimes literal) in the aftermath. All dogs demand of you is acknowledgment, food, and the occasional belly rub. If this is all your lover is currently asking of you, answer me this - is he/she half as adorable as a fluffy Border Collie pup? I think not. *Note: cats cannot be substituted*
10. Vibrators (and/or your hand); cutting to the chase: who can get you off in under 30 seconds? A slutty girl you met while vomiting into your hands on the bus last night? That guy from campus with the nose ring who could quote Plato while rolling a fatty with his toes? Didn't think so! Vibrators come cheaper than most hookers, have a multitude of settings and functions, and can be cleaner than many human beings with the right care. They are often nicer looking than a cock, though this depends on your discrepancies, but ultimately they CAN be replaced after failing to do the job right. Hands are also relatively extraordinary. Chicks think its cool to bite, don't they? Does your right hand have teeth? Only you and you alone know exactly how, where, when, and for how long it takes to achieve sexual bliss. And hey - you'll never have to anticipate a call from your clinic again!
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