1) Dogs You SHOULD Kick
A. The Ugly Small Dog
These dogs include the "popular" lapdogs made famous by celebrity idiots such as Paris Hilton with her dipshit chihuahua Tinkerbell. These dogs are often comparable to rodents, both in size - though I've seen larger rats in the subways of NYC - and intelligence, and are often paraded around busy downtown streets by their owners who naively believe that they won't get stepped on.
It's also quite interesting to note that many of these "cutesy" type breeds (including the pomeranian, chihuahua, pekinese, mini poodle, pug and westie) are usually not cute at all. If they ARE (example: dacshund, corgi), its usually because they have been [in]bred in such a peculiar way that they will have numerous physical problems. Most of these breeds are purchased as "pedigree," coming from pet stores that promote puppy mills. If you're gonna buy an ugly small dog regardless, at least adopt one from a shelter - that way there is a good chance they'll be of mixed breed, and thus won't be nearly as idiotic OR prone to physical ailments.
B. The Yappy Dog
These are hands down the worst dogs to have anywhere NEAR you or your residence. The yappy dog is unable to shut the fuck up. You will constantly hear their owners attempting to get them to stop, but when it comes down to it - barking incessantly is the only joy they are able to find in life, besides eating their own shit. They will wake you up in early hours of the morning, all hours at night, and will prevent you from doing any work - leisurely or otherwise - without developing a massive headache. Their little barks are usually so shrill that all attempts to drown them out will NOT work.
The solutions to this problem vary:
- Somehow get access to it's kennel when the owners are out (or break in to their suite if you must), and let their dog go play around in the fenced yard. You must then leave one of the gates open, and sincerely pray that the dog runs away for good.
- One word: muzzle. There, I said it.
- Insist their owner trains it well enough so that they no longer have to lock it up in one area of the house.
C. The Destructive Dog
Dogs are usually only really destructive in their first few years of puppyhood. It is a natural process, and any new owner will have to exhibit extreme patience, and probably get a part-time job on the side in order to pay for damage repairs in their home. Once the dogs reach adulthood, however, there is no reason for them to continue this destructive behaviour. Eating up the legs of chairs and sofas, tearing apart wayward teddybears, gnawing on anything left on the ground (namely SHOES), and digging around open trash bins like nobody's business, IS NOT acceptable behaviour. If this has been going on for years, and your desperate attempts at curbing its enthusiasm for destruction has had no success, then let's face it: your dog is a DD (or perhaps even ADD), and there is practically no way you can "cure" its behaviour. Yeah, man - maybe you should have researched the breed a bit more, or decided not to house a St. Bernard in an 500 sq. ft. walk-up...
2. Dogs To Feel Sorry For
A. The Evil Guard Dog
Clearly this could have gone a little differently. Evil guard dogs tend to terrorize many a citizen - innocent passerby, and the flustered postman to name a few. The general public are thus terrified of typical "guard dog" breeds such as pitbulls, rottweilers, and dobermans, but this is a crazy generalization spurred by hyperbolic media coverage. Yes, many of these breeds do have an instinct based upon their breeding, but for the most part, big dogs are a helluva lot more adaptable and intelligent than little ones. Sadly, they are all too often used to increase "gangsta" credibility amongst homies, and this sometimes leads to physical and emotional abuse (ie. dog fights). In these cases, I would agree that it might be questionable upon adopting a previous "evil guard dog" without extensively researching that breed and how to train it.
I guess some individual dogs (like people) are just not very nice in general, and get off on the occasional maul and growl. To them I say - go for it! If homeland security is the only option for you, go ahead and achieve your dreams!
B. The Gutter Punk Dog
These poor dogs should be receiving the majority of your sympathy. They are usually gorgeous pure breds, and are insanely patient and intelligent - much more so than their owners. It boggles my mind as to HOW and WHERE they are being adopted, when their gutter punk handlers are clearly unstable and broke. Thankfully, these dogs are usually fed before anyone else, so are generally in good shape. But really. Dogs need exercise and stimulation to keep busy, tired, and happy. Sitting around on busy street corners all day chillin' with douchbags holding up "witty" sharpied cardboard signs demanding money from people who actually chose to get a job, cannot be considered healthy activity. I'm honestly amazed these dogs don't just maul their loser owners, and go find ones who actually have homes.
**Note: There is a clear distinction between gutter punks and the homeless. Gutter punks are usually young white adults with an affinity for camo clothing and expensive combat boots, and have chosen to lead a life of complete insignificance. They are usually fully capable of securing themselves decent paying jobs, but would rather choose not to. Gutter punks are the most extreme case of hipster douchebag meets hardcore Sex Pistols fan, and can most often be seen around Broadway Station, and/or midway up Commercial Drive.**
C. The Designer Dog
Sometimes indistinguishable from the usual "ugly small dog," the designer dog is a sad, sad character. These are often littler-sized dogs, and can often overlap with the aforementioned first category, but no one can really accuse these suckers for "asking" to be dressed up in tutus and paraded around in boas when it is 40 degrees outside. No dog, NO DOG, looks good in a Juicy Couture terry cloth hoodie. Unless it is freezing cold and wet outside and your dog is lacking in the fur department, it does not NEED a jacket. Booties are required only in extreme circumstances when the dog has an injured paw, or there is a chance of dangerous substance in the area (glass, rock salt). Hats are just dumb (though acceptable if used only in that ten-second Santa-hat shot at Christmas where your dog ends up looking miserable anyway). They are not dolls, they are dogs. If you want a living, breathing specimen to dress up in little skirts and polos, have a fucking baby.
If you MUST attach some sort of embellishment to your innocent puppy, make sure it doesn't restrict their behaviour or look retarded. Simple solutions (that actually look relatively cute IF your dog is game): bling around the collar, and/or a tied, patterned bandana.
(Sad, sad life)
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