Reasons You SHOULD Kick Your Neighbour's Dog

Just to make it clear: I LOVE dogs. Dogs are indeed [hu]man's best friend - they are perfect companions, dedicated family members, loyal buddies, and way fucking cooler than cats. On the OTHER HAND... there are some types of dogs - certain breeds in particular - who are so inbred and dumb, that you start wondering if it really IS the owner's fault for their dismal training and ridiculous behaviour. For the most part - probably. But in some cases, it should be acknowledged that there ARE in fact dogs in this world who are better off NOT living in the suite below yours. There are two categories of such dogs: 1) Dogs You SHOULD Kick and 2) Dogs To Feel Sorry For


1) Dogs You SHOULD Kick

A. The Ugly Small Dog
These dogs include the "popular" lapdogs made famous by celebrity idiots such as Paris Hilton with her dipshit chihuahua Tinkerbell. These dogs are often comparable to rodents, both in size - though I've seen larger rats in the subways of NYC - and intelligence, and are often paraded around busy downtown streets by their owners who naively believe that they won't get stepped on.

It's also quite interesting to note that many of these "cutesy" type breeds (including the pomeranian, chihuahua, pekinese, mini poodle, pug and westie) are usually not cute at all. If they ARE (example: dacshund, corgi), its usually because they have been [in]bred in such a peculiar way that they will have numerous physical problems. Most of these breeds are purchased as "pedigree," coming from pet stores that promote puppy mills. If you're gonna buy an ugly small dog regardless, at least adopt one from a shelter - that way there is a good chance they'll be of mixed breed, and thus won't be nearly as idiotic OR prone to physical ailments.


B. The Yappy Dog
These are hands down the worst dogs to have anywhere NEAR you or your residence. The yappy dog is unable to shut the fuck up. You will constantly hear their owners attempting to get them to stop, but when it comes down to it - barking incessantly is the only joy they are able to find in life, besides eating their own shit. They will wake you up in early hours of the morning, all hours at night, and will prevent you from doing any work - leisurely or otherwise - without developing a massive headache. Their little barks are usually so shrill that all attempts to drown them out will NOT work.

The solutions to this problem vary:

• Somehow get access to it's kennel when the owners are out (or break in to their suite if you must), and let their dog go play around in the fenced yard. You must then leave one of the gates open, and sincerely pray that the dog runs away for good.
• One word: muzzle. There, I said it.
• Insist their owner trains it well enough so that they no longer have to lock it up in one area of the house.

C. The Destructive Dog
Dogs are usually only really destructive in their first few years of puppyhood. It is a natural process, and any new owner will have to exhibit extreme patience, and probably get a part-time job on the side in order to pay for damage repairs in their home. Once the dogs reach adulthood, however, there is no reason for them to continue this destructive behaviour. Eating up the legs of chairs and sofas, tearing apart wayward teddybears, gnawing on anything left on the ground (namely SHOES), and digging around open trash bins like nobody's business, IS NOT acceptable behaviour. If this has been going on for years, and your desperate attempts at curbing its enthusiasm for destruction has had no success, then let's face it: your dog is a DD (or perhaps even ADD), and there is practically no way you can "cure" its behaviour. Yeah, man - maybe you should have researched the breed a bit more, or decided not to house a St. Bernard in an 500 sq. ft. walk-up...


2. Dogs To Feel Sorry For

A. The Evil Guard Dog
Clearly this could have gone a little differently. Evil guard dogs tend to terrorize many a citizen - innocent passerby, and the flustered postman to name a few. The general public are thus terrified of typical "guard dog" breeds such as pitbulls, rottweilers, and dobermans, but this is a crazy generalization spurred by hyperbolic media coverage. Yes, many of these breeds do have an instinct based upon their breeding, but for the most part, big dogs are a helluva lot more adaptable and intelligent than little ones. Sadly, they are all too often used to increase "gangsta" credibility amongst homies, and this sometimes leads to physical and emotional abuse (ie. dog fights). In these cases, I would agree that it might be questionable upon adopting a previous "evil guard dog" without extensively researching that breed and how to train it.

I guess some individual dogs (like people) are just not very nice in general, and get off on the occasional maul and growl. To them I say - go for it! If homeland security is the only option for you, go ahead and achieve your dreams!


B. The Gutter Punk Dog
These poor dogs should be receiving the majority of your sympathy. They are usually gorgeous pure breds, and are insanely patient and intelligent - much more so than their owners. It boggles my mind as to HOW and WHERE they are being adopted, when their gutter punk handlers are clearly unstable and broke. Thankfully, these dogs are usually fed before anyone else, so are generally in good shape. But really. Dogs need exercise and stimulation to keep busy, tired, and happy. Sitting around on busy street corners all day chillin' with douchbags holding up "witty" sharpied cardboard signs demanding money from people who actually chose to get a job, cannot be considered healthy activity. I'm honestly amazed these dogs don't just maul their loser owners, and go find ones who actually have homes.

**Note: There is a clear distinction between gutter punks and the homeless. Gutter punks are usually young white adults with an affinity for camo clothing and expensive combat boots, and have chosen to lead a life of complete insignificance. They are usually fully capable of securing themselves decent paying jobs, but would rather choose not to. Gutter punks are the most extreme case of hipster douchebag meets hardcore Sex Pistols fan, and can most often be seen around Broadway Station, and/or midway up Commercial Drive.**


C. The Designer Dog
Sometimes indistinguishable from the usual "ugly small dog," the designer dog is a sad, sad character. These are often littler-sized dogs, and can often overlap with the aforementioned first category, but no one can really accuse these suckers for "asking" to be dressed up in tutus and paraded around in boas when it is 40 degrees outside. No dog, NO DOG, looks good in a Juicy Couture terry cloth hoodie. Unless it is freezing cold and wet outside and your dog is lacking in the fur department, it does not NEED a jacket. Booties are required only in extreme circumstances when the dog has an injured paw, or there is a chance of dangerous substance in the area (glass, rock salt). Hats are just dumb (though acceptable if used only in that ten-second Santa-hat shot at Christmas where your dog ends up looking miserable anyway). They are not dolls, they are dogs. If you want a living, breathing specimen to dress up in little skirts and polos, have a fucking baby.

If you MUST attach some sort of embellishment to your innocent puppy, make sure it doesn't restrict their behaviour or look retarded. Simple solutions (that actually look relatively cute IF your dog is game): bling around the collar, and/or a tied, patterned bandana.

(Sad, sad life)

The Worst Fucking People You'll Ever Know

1. The Emotional Cripple
Everyone knows one. Everyone is friends with one. These are the people who seem pretty awesome at first - surface friends who are easy to get along with and who can be pretty fun drinking buddies. When it comes down to the personal stuff, however, these people are NOT your friends. You can attempt to talk to them about insignificant, petty worries such as your feelings, problems and future ambitions, but it is very unlikely they will a) respond b) acknowledge you, or c) care. If they do care, and it is clear they do despite their outrageous lack of empathy and social graces, more often than not they are not emotionally mature enough to confront their own emotions, let alone YOURS as well. They tend to shut down completely at any sign of confrontation, anxiety, or potential personal attack. Instead of coping with their confusion by talking it out, or opening themselves up to the people who care about them, they choose the simple method of not coping, which tends to hand out more hurt and shit than it is worth.

This is not to say Emotional Cripples are BAD people - they usually aren't at all. In fact, they can be pretty cool. It's just that they usually mask all of their insecurities and prior emotional turmoil, or don't bother mentioning them at all. If they do, they are incapable of rationalizing, or analyzing their problems, and tend to extract themselves from the situation whenever it really gets rough. Certainly don't STOP hanging out with these kinds of people... I just wouldn't recommend dating one. Unless, of course, you are a masochist, in which case WHY ARE YOU EVEN READING THIS?


2. The Psychotic Parasite (aka "The Stalker")
Alright, now that Ive gotten your attention, lets move on to the next Worst Person you will, could, have, or do know. The Psychotic Parasite, also known as The Stalker under some circumstances, is usually a middle-aged or older balding man with no body fat, no social charisma, and no dignity. They are often mistaken for pedophiles or rapists, and resemble the mug shots of these types of convicts. Two words of advice upon encountering a PP: STAY AWAY.

At first the PPs will be overly friendly - not usually something to be squeamish about, especially if you are a decent human being who isn't prone to rudeness. But try not to mirror their extreme enthusiasm as this will directly lead to them getting the wrong idea. Regardless of whether they are thirty years your senior and married with children, and you are in your late teens with a steady boyfriend and live at home - again, STAY the fuck AWAY. They will find every opportunity to talk to you, to tell you their life story, and are NOT ashamed of going into details about their sex life and all of their failures. They tend to make up stories and lies about the two of you to anyone who will listen, though for the most part, these people can recognize right away the PP's creepiness, and hopefully will warn you about it ASAP.

Of course, there is always the chick version of the PP. Thankfully, if they're hot, they can just get away with being weirdly annoying and aggressive. If they are grenades, MUST I reiterate? STAY. AWAY.


3. The Delusional Narcissist
Now these are the ones to look out for. Seriously, unless you are prepared to enter yourself into How To Make Normal Friends Rehab, or perhaps the less excruciating option - an insane asylum - I'd highly recommend logging into your Facebook account this very moment, and DELETING or BLOCKING any of your "friends" who fit the description. The Delusional Narcissist can be identified by a number of factors:

• In conversations, they tend to immediately disregard anything you are currently discussing, regardless of whether it is extremely personal or important, and will jump right into whatever they have been waiting to say for the past WHOLE two minutes that you just wasted for them.
• They are extremely hypocritical. Anything you do to them, even if they did it to you first the day BEFORE, is obviously ten times worse, and you must apologize immediately or succumb to listening to them drone about how you are SO self-absorbed and selfish. The fact that they are tooting their own horns will never come up, but if it does, they have a thousand ridiculous excuses that you are forced to accept, even if they make absolutely no sense and you are essentially allowing yourself to look like a moron.
  
• Because narcissists are usually the most insecure people out there, they will take every possible chance to talk themselves up, and thus talk YOU down as much and as often as possible. If you choose, however, to retaliate - even if it is just with a comeback in an attempt to uphold some of your self-worth - it will be categorized as blasphemy, and you will have to apologize for hurting their feelings.
  
• The DN usually doesn't even notice you exist, even if you are BFFs. This is true UNTIL the moment they find out you hosted a party, had dinner with friends, chatted on the phone for hours, or planned a trip WITHOUT THEM. Under any other circumstances, such as (for example) if you DID invite them to participate in one of these things, they would either agree and stand you up, or immediately decline.
• Every week they have a new self-diagnosis. Now, if you want to continue putting up with all this bullshit, you MUST, I repeat MUST, nod your head seriously and act very concerned for their well being. Although you are almost 100% certain that they are NOT in fact suffering from: depression, insomnia, borderline personality disorder, ADD or bipolar disease, and are pretty sure they SHOULD be diagnosed as purely psychotic or mildly autistic, don't even bother your pretty little head. They are only using their supposed illnesses to make you feel sorry for them, and thus give them the attention they so desperately yearn.
• No matter if both your parents were just blown up in a ferry boat accident, all of your teeth got knocked out by your pimp, or you contracted some severely angry STIs and now have to get your genitals replaced, your problems AIN'T GOT SHIT on theirs.
  

Bottom line is; with a DN, it is a lose-lose relationship. Nothing you do will ever be good enough, you are constantly walking on eggshells, and you may or may not be bitched out at any moment, even if you have absolutely nothing to do with their problems at the time. Though DNs usually come in the form of pathetic attention-seeking female losers, there is also the category of the Egotistical Asshole... but let's face it. Bitchy guys dont even come close to causing the nuclear warfare that bitchy girls can. Amen.


4. The Most Uninteresting Loser
These people are so boring and socially awkward, that even if they are extremely attractive, smart, talented, and attempt to be friendly, you still find yourself daydreaming about jumping into highway traffic whenever you're around them. At least your imminent death would count as exciting.


5. The Unapologetic Flake
For godsakes, just OWN UP to the fact that you're either a selfish little prick who couldn't be bothered to pick up the phone and cancel on you for fear of your well-deserved annoyance, or that you're an irresponsible motherfucker who is too lazy to keep your plans for fear of increasing your social credibility. If the UF you're currently familiar with has been doing this frequently, and still you don't get any apology - just an "Oh you know, I fell asleep," they are in danger of slipping into category #3. By no means let your friendship escalate this far if this is the case. Confront them immediately, and get across that you too have a busy schedule, but are not above others so much so that you figure no one deserves any short-notice changes.

Here are some examples (tried and true) of UF excuses:

• "I fell asleep and my phone was on silent, so I didn't hear you when you called. I can't help it if I was tired."
• "My phone battery died, my network sucks, there is always a delay with your messages. Still, even though I am well aware that you have a Blackberry, I'm not going to e-mail you, call your roommate's phone, Facebook you, OR even attempt to meet you at our designated meet spot."
• "I had a really horrible day, and I was so angry I couldn't talk to anyone. Trust me, if I had picked up your call, or met you when I said I would, I would just be a huge asshole. Oh, its inconvenient for you? Well fuck you, I can't deal with this right now.

6. The Condescending Hipster Douchebag
Oh, to live in a city where everywhere you turn there is either a CHD pulling at their girl-jean-encased nutsack, or a revolting and smelly gutter punk who either stole that adorable pure-bred puppy that is now equally as homeless as they are (just not by choice), or used Mummy's credit card numbers to purchase it. FUCK YOU TOO, HOMIE. Hipster douchebags come in many sizes and styles, though for the most part they are in their early 20s and very white, but some are not as bad as others. It may even be related to the geography of hipster breeding; in Portland, the hipsters are super chill, friendly, and like going on benders - and will gladly let you join and even supply you with all the molly you need; in Vancouver, if you even attempt to ask them for the time, they will scoff at you, adjust their no-lens, wire-rimmed glasses, and flip you off with their star-tatted hands.

The worst kind of hipster has got to be the privileged, trust-fund asshole (otherwise known as the "yipster" or "yuppy hipster scum"). Now there are PLENTY of these in Vancouver. No, you cannot get away with "Oh, I'm so credible 'cause I live on the Drive and/or Main Street." This is VANCOUVER, dipshits - who's paying your overpriced rent? Certainly not your "career" at Urban Outfitters. Trust-fund hipsters will deny it to death, but you KNOW. You KNOW. Ultimately, the only perk about condescending hipsters, is if they start prattling on to you about how your mainstream music tastes ain't got nothing on Belle & Sebastian, and how their Women's Studies/Philosophy/Art Theory university classes are just so educational - usually they're so fucking skinny you could BREAK THEM with a light flick to the neck. Exceptions are "pimpsters" - hipsters of the hip hop variety who can only really pull off the persona if they have ethnic blood, or used to jack cars as adolescents.


7. The One Everyone Hates For A Reason
Now, either you'll feel very sorry for the loser that everyone tries to ignore, OR you'll be blatant about it and tell them (often) to GTFO. These people are by NO MEANS the absolutely worst to encounter, but they can be really annoying, and sometimes you'll regret ever having been tolerant of them.

Examples are:

• The Shy Weirdo who creeps everyone out but has no other significant flaws. This sucks because you don't really have a reason to dislike them, and are in danger of looking like a dick if you don't treat them hospitably. Nevertheless, they always manage to say something awkward, and they make everyone extremely uncomfortable.
• The Social Nuisance is an anomaly of this category. You try so hard to "get them," but what the hell, you're no miracle worker! After the first couple times introducing them around, it is clear that they just do not fit in. They often tend to act overly crazy (aka desperate) to "prove" they are an asset to the group, but things usually get out of hand, and someone ends up babysitting. Go home, dude.
• The Cockblock: enough said.
• The Huge Tool thinks he/she is really fucking hilarious, and will pull pranks/jokes/insults on anyone within appropriate distance. We may laugh just to get them to stop, but for the most part, not only are they usually extremely insulting, but everyone ends up wondering WHO invited them.
• The Unfriendly Hottie is, yes, a reference to the movie "Mean Girls," but it is also a legit example of one of those people everyone inherently dislikes. They are usually very good looking and know it, and no matter how hot YOU are, how friendly, funny, casual and cool, they treat everyone like crap because they honestly have a superiority complex.
• The Tit Who Hates Everyone may sound a little hypocritical after getting halfway through this list, but you know what I'm talking about. The TWHE basically talks shit about strangers or people they barely know but may have heard rumors about. Some of them are just bored and insecure, while others just get off on being dicks (la la la...).
  

8. The Naive Dumbass
So the ND is probably one of the lesser evils of this list, and can be broken up into two sections: 1) The Innocent One, and 2) The Uneducated One. They both usually say really retarded things, or often ask you to explain a four-syllable word you've just used in passing conversation. These people shouldn't necessarily be avoided, but it is wise to construct strategies of extraction upon meeting one in case you end up with them alone.

1) These NDs are often really adorable, cutesy, amiable and interesting. What's not to love! Oh right, they're idiots. Not in the "I get 'there, their, and they're' mixed up" way, but in the "Hee hee, the world is filled with sunshine! Oh my god, she can't abort the baby even though she's fourteen!" way. Yes, it sounds horrible to rag on these innocent kittens, but face the facts - if they make it in the real world alive, we will all be very surprised.

2) Uneducated morons dislike anything to do with using their brain. This includes reading, writing, texting properly, sitting still, learning new things, and speaking without infuriating people. They tend to say very dumb things without recognizing it, and are entirely unaware when the person to whom they are talking is unimpressed. They ask you to explain yourself when you attempt minimal conversation, and their questions range from "What's Pearl Harbor again?" to "I thought havarti was a convertible!" and "Can you tell me what 'redundant' means?"


9. The Good First Impression
Now this may just be envy, but for the most part, the GFI (aka The Smooth Talker, The Socialite and The Bullshitter) is a lying asshat. YES we all wish we could be equally as suave and charming as them, but it is very difficult to achieve. Coincidentally, this amazing skill at acing the first impression, whether it be when meeting the boyfriend's family, the Dean of your faculty, your potential employer, or just ANYONE in general, is usually the ONLY IMPORTANT SKILL a GFI possesses. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the only skill they need. Most often the GFI in question, upon achieving his/her goal - lets say, they landed a really good job at a prestigious financial office - is a horrible employee. After awhile - meaning, after the initial honeymoon stage of the new job - everyone who originally loved the GFI starts to realize that something is off. By then, however, it is usually far too late for anyone to raise a complaint, or to actually do anything about it. Yeah, now you're stuck, bro. Good luck. GFIs are ridiculously difficult to determine, since you really do have to get to know them well before you can identify their extreme faults. Not only do we hate them because they can get away with murder, but we hate them because they usually beat us to the punch.


10. The Passive-Aggressive Nihilist
Sadly, more and more young adults are converting to this new "supposed" Nihilist movement. Which, clearly, isn't a movement at all, as that would require some smidgen of effort. Thanks in large part to the works of Chuck Palahniuk (who is admittedly a terrific writer), many people (including the all-too-many CHDs of #6) have decided nothing is worth anything, and therefore why even try? This lifestyle is applied to all aspects of life, so usually the PAN ends up as an empty shell bordering on developing sociopathic tendencies. But WAIT! There is good news! For the most part, "nihilists" are really just lazy pessimists in denial. They find joy in misery, and are thus ubiquitously transparent. It's alright, friends - pessimists are too lazy to do anything about their shrewd worldview! These are not the types to go on killing sprees... heck, they are usually too lazy to even hack computer software.

There are mild, moderate and EXTREME variants of the PAN, but there are very few legitimate nihilists in general. Generally undetectable until you catch them in a lethargic/drunk/pissy mood, most pessimists-in-denial live relatively normal lives, and only ever bring up their theories of apocalypse once they find out you too are fascinated by disaster flicks and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.



11. The Inconvenient Vegan
See, this is a controversial subject, and it is likely to offend most people. But I will NOT back down from my solid belief that VEGANISM is just another excuse for ANOREXIA.

There are an abundance of sub-categories under this header:

• The Sustainability Missionary
• The Dieter
• The Picky Eater
• The One With All The Allergies

Now I'm friends with many a vegetarian, and although I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them (though I guess this is pretty far as they are usually pretty scrawny and malnourished), I respect that they either stand by their morals regardless of how delicious bacon is, or stand behind their cultural and religious beliefs. Kudos! Someone has to have ethics! Veganism, on the other hand, is a travesty.

I don't care that you are lactose intolerant (I have friends who will chance a little bowel unease for a good slice of gouda), allergic to gluten, and/or physically incapable of digesting meat. The facts are these: you look underfed, sickly, weak, pale, and INSTEAD of taking all those store-bought pill-form supplements, why don't you chow down on some chicken abortions? You cannot tell me you get enough nutrients from your once-a-day organic tofu salads! And what's your excuse, really? That veganism is the best diet after contracting mono? That you feel "energetic" and "healthy" after eating all this organic shit, when you COULD be saving that $2.75 extra you just paid for an avocado on dripping-with-pig-fat pulled pork sandwich with a side of mac & cheese? Maybe I'll believe it after you make it alive past your 30th birthday.

Things Better Than, Or Equal To, SEX

1. Working out; what else gets you breathing hard, soaking wet, exhausted and climactic, but lasts a helluva lot longer than ten minutes? Not to mention, the only things you have to worry about getting hard are your muscles.

2. Beer; after a few brewskies - UNLIKE before/during/after the nasty - not only are you more than comfortable exposing parts of your body no one should ever see (to the general public no less), but nothing else sticky and bitter tastes quite as good.

3. Food porn; in contrast to regular porn, food porn doesn't leave you with that pathetic feeling of shame and anguish once you've finished. Instead, more often than not you'll become productive and do something useful with your hands for once.

4. Money; who says money can't buy happiness? If you get money and sex simultaneously, than sweetie, you've got it made.

5. Shoes; normal chicks look a lot better in heels than when naked. Also, you can go through a wide variety of styles without being called a whore. If you're male - be honest. You probably take a lot better care of your kicks than your hygiene.

6. Accents; this doesn't apply to those of you with accents other than the vanilla wafer North American West Coast versions. Listening to a hoarse, jostling Scottish bark; epileptic Irish hiccup; incomprehensible country English whine; insinuating, romantic Spanish whisper; or violent drunken Russian slur, immediately transforms the sorest of ugly losers into gods. Who can say the same after a romp with them in the sack?

7. Bacon; screw this "chocolate cures everything" bullshit. Not only do you get sick after your first five bars of extra-large Hersheys, but you break out in pimples and have compromising bowel movements. Bacon, on the other hand, not only provides you with nutritional content such as protein and fucktons of fatty goodness, but you WILL sleep sounder at night, dreaming of pigs shipped off to slaughter and the sound of sizzling and crackling meat on the griddle. The only thing possibly better than a pound of crispy bacon with a side of ketchup? Maple bacon donuts. Aww yeah.

8. South Park; own up to the facts - bitches and bros can't make you laugh, cry, swear and fart all at once quite like an episode of South Park. If it's the lack of naked bodies provided on a TV show that are making you crave a good hump, just watch "Major Boobage." Bouncy cartoon titties are way underestimated, friend.

9. Dogs; admit it. The affection from your significant other, fuck buddy, spouse, or random pick of the club that night have nothing on the company and love a dog has to offer. You could be with someone for years while putting off full emotional commitment - no one needs to know. You can lie, cheat, manipulate. Dogs don't do that. All the drama that comes with sex - regardless of what you may believe - is more often than not NOT worth the itching (sometimes literal) in the aftermath. All dogs demand of you is acknowledgment, food, and the occasional belly rub. If this is all your lover is currently asking of you, answer me this - is he/she half as adorable as a fluffy Border Collie pup? I think not. *Note: cats cannot be substituted*

10. Vibrators (and/or your hand); cutting to the chase: who can get you off in under 30 seconds? A slutty girl you met while vomiting into your hands on the bus last night? That guy from campus with the nose ring who could quote Plato while rolling a fatty with his toes? Didn't think so! Vibrators come cheaper than most hookers, have a multitude of settings and functions, and can be cleaner than many human beings with the right care. They are often nicer looking than a cock, though this depends on your discrepancies, but ultimately they CAN be replaced after failing to do the job right. Hands are also relatively extraordinary. Chicks think its cool to bite, don't they? Does your right hand have teeth? Only you and you alone know exactly how, where, when, and for how long it takes to achieve sexual bliss. And hey - you'll never have to anticipate a call from your clinic again!

Reasons To Start A Blog

1. Impress all your friends with bitter, passive agressive social commentary disguised as witty banter.

2. Acquire cool new online friends who are really only interested in feeling accepted by strangers as this is impossible for them to do in the real world.

3. The ultimate excuse to put off completing any actual significant tasks in life.

4. Give yourself an ego-boost by thinking the public documentation of your personal problems are of any real importance to anyone else.

5. Prove your exceptionally creative web blog design skills, though for the most part you will only ever use the provided templates.

6. Prove to yourself how funny you think you are.

7. A last ditch attempt at reinvigorating your creative skills and showcasing your true talents.

8. It's easier than trying to find a real job.

9. In between watching Netflix movies that you would never waste your time on if you had to pay for them, and playing the masochistically addictive Moby Dick game on Adultswim.com, you figure blogging deserves as much of your time as Facebook.

10. Become Tucker Max-famous and publish bestselling blog-books which require little to no decent writing ability with all the perks and more of a legit writer.

(Fuck you, Tucker Max.)